DISCLAIMER: This post is possibly inflammatory and most definitely sexist. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. It’s all for fun and games/for entertainment purposes only. And because I’ve always wanted to start a cult.
Ah, the power of Twitter!
Due to conversations on Twitter today (all right, it was the same conversation in two parts) I have both started a cult and championed a cause/started an official “day.”
I promised a blog post explaining the cult.
You see, I’ve always wanted to be a cult leader/start a cult. I made a random comment on Twitter expressing this desire, and one thing led to another and…behold! I am a cult leader! Just like I can become an ordained minister on the right website for a small fee.
Cult leader, ordained minister…both religious leaders, right?
So what’s this cult all about? Well, here you go.
I’m calling it a cult right up front so you don’t have to put up with parents/loved ones/significant others or coworkers speculating that you’ve joined a cult. You have. It’s right there in the name – The Awesome Cult of Awesome.
Should you choose to join, you’ll need to understand a few things first.
This is a female-dominated sex cult. You read that right. Our official creedo at the moment (this is subject to change based on the whims of me, your cult leader) is “Chicks rule. Boys make good pets.”
While not feministy or political, it is both led by and peopled with women of strong opinions, moral (or immoral, depending) character and tea. And knitting. And chocolate.
Males are welcome to join, provided that they accept their roles as subordinate and don’t try and get all uppity and take over. Males will serve tea and alcoholic beverages, bring yarn, and offer themselves to be objectified and admired physically, so males need to be aware of the fact that they will be required to spend a certain number of hours each week maintaining their physique for this admiration.
Did I mention that this was a sex cult? I thought so. Hence members need to be over the age of 18. Also, there will be no withholding sex as a form of protest. There will be no protesting or social progression of any kind in my cult, so forget about starting a suffrage movement.
Males wishing admission to this cult of female worship and servitude also need to recognize that there is a strong emphasis on the “worship” part, and will never advance beyond this role. There is no advancement within cult ranks for those of the male gender (or those who identify as male – no wanting to join as male and then later transitioning to female because you feel you deserve better treatment. Exception may be made for true cases of gender identity issues. This will involve discussion with your cult leader.) beyond “dedicated worshiper.” Male members may or may not become a favorite of one (or more!) of our female members.
Basically all these big words mean “men bring us tea and yarn and are eye-candy, while women make all the decisions, engage in lechery and other fun activities while they run things.” It’s kind of like a “hundred years ago”/1911 role-reversal (don’t start with me about Wyoming – this is my cult). Men do not get to vote or express their opinions in any fashion. They get to look pretty and do what we say instead of the other way around.
Wow, that does sound all militant and feministy, doesn’t it? I assure you, it’s not. This is all for fun and games.
Anyway, should you be interested in joining the Awesome Cult of Awesome, friend me on Facebook and put “Cultage Application” in the personal message spot, and I will indoctrinate you into the Awesome Cult of Awesome.
Also, DO REMEMBER that this is for FUN AND GAMES not some political statement, disparagement or “male bashing,” or sexual gratification (okay, maybe that, but only because I’m evil and understand that some men really like the whole “female domination” thing – the Awesome Cult of Awesome does not assume any liability for your sexual gratification or lack thereof, la la la. This is a cult, not a democracy, and no one is forcing you to join. People join cults of their own free will*.)
Applications currently being accepted for tea boys, yarn boys, knitting needle and pattern fetchers, and bartenders. Training as chocolatier and/or bartender preferred but not required.
The Awesome Cult of Awesome is an Equal Opportunity Offender and does not discriminate based on race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. (In fact, we’re totally in support of the homosexual lifestyle and don’t mind pretty boys (or girls) kissing. This is heavily encouraged, preferably in public view. Especially if you’re John Barrowman. H8ers need not apply or even comment.)
We may, however, discriminate based on creed, because if you’re a complete asshat with your political flag-waving, you’re so not welcome in this cult. The Awesome Cult of Awesome reserves the right to deny membership based on whatever your cult leader may decide on at any given moment. It’s a cult. Members have no rights, only privileges the cult leader chooses to bestow.
While most cults have heavy emphasis on religion/belief, the Awesome Cult of Awesome allows its members to maintain their own faith or lack thereof, provided they recognize the cult as Awesome, or to quote a member, the Best. Cult. Ever. As with any cult, there is a cult leader (that would be me) and there are founding members. Males are required to obey without question any female member, and all (male or female or other – we don’t discriminate) members are required to obey without question your cult leader. Again, this is not a democracy. This is my cult and I decide what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you have issues with something in the cult, you are free to leave, and I am free to boot you and offer your name up to the other cult members for mockery and other humiliation (NOT the fun kind, involving handcuffs, whips and chains – Skyla…put the handcuffs down…it’s not time yet, honey.)
We do have two religious figures that members are free to invoke and worship, though this is not required. They are Saint Skyla and Our Evil Lady of the Blankie. Members (or anyone, really) are encouraged to follow them both on Twitter if they so desire.
So that’s the thing about the cult. Remember, it’s just for fun/entertainment purposes only. Please do not get into emo!political discussions in the comments.
Save that for the discussion thread on the cult Facebook page. Bwah-ha-ha!
Your Evil Cult Leader
(Look, Mom! I started a cult!)
*Despite what you may have heard about or seen on Oprah.